the game is rigged, but beautiful women always win

i'm told the top is lonely

god sat next to me at the hitchcock screening

if you’re reading this essay, you’re a woman principally concerned with receiving everything you want in this life. everything you deserve. how exciting is that prospect! how wonderful is that mandate? how audacious is that requirement!?

in a diouana woman’s world, what reigns supreme is our dreams. that baby pink, cloud-like world where our deepest desires roam. where we lay our heads on the lap of god as he strokes our hair and reads us psalm 37 to ease our weary hearts as we drift slowly and softly to sleep:

“do not fret because of those who are evil
or be envious of those who do wrong;
² for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

³ trust in the lord and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.
⁴ take delight in the lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

⁵ commit your way to the lord;
trust in him and he will do this:
⁶ he will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.

⁷ be still before the lord
and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when people succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

⁸ refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.
⁹ for those who are evil will be destroyed,
but those who hope in the lord will inherit the land.

¹⁰ a little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.
¹¹ but the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy peace and prosperity.”

it never fails to make me laugh, considering much i ran from the religiosity of my heritage in my childhood, to witness myself now in my young adulthood fully embrace my essence as a west african jesus freak. that said, my biblical understanding of the book is fraught with referential gaps. perhaps, i should have attended those bible study lessons my mother recommended.

isn’t it the case that mother always knows best?

but then again, as a young child, i was convinced the teachings in these bible lessons would imbue in me a sense of deep-rooted shame on account of my sex that would live to haunt me as a young woman, so i politely declined my mother’s request. although she was upset, i remain grateful to have been raised by a mother who listened to me. 99% of the time.

this sense of shame, this feeling that there’s something wrong with who you are on account of how you differ from the expectations of your sex (or your race, or your family, the list truly can go on), is a useless emotion. i understood at 12 years old not to use useless emotions. and especially now. if an emotion is useless, like shame, i simply do not use it. it does not exist in my mental framework.

instead, i root myself in the word. the book, to me, is a book. it is not the beginning nor the end. but the middle. and it finds me exactly where in my heroine’s journey i happen to find myself. and right now, it’s in this delicate dance of deciding between retribution or redemption.

some definitions are helpful: retribution is widely understood as punishment inflicted on someone as vengeance for a wrong or criminal act; redemption can then be understood to mean the action of saving or being saved from sin, error, or evil and/or the action of regaining or gaining possession of something in exchange for payment, or clearing a debt.

in this life, it’s important to know what you’re after: retribution or redemption?

i can’t make that decision for you, but i can tell you that depending on where you want to go, and who you’ll need by your side to accomplish your mission, one is a much, much more favorable path than the other. especially if you actually intend to get what you want, not just raise hell.

and this brings us back to psalm 37. the lullaby god reads us in our dreamscape. specifically, the lines of, “take delight in the lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart…be still before the lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes. refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret—it leads only to evil. for those who are evil will be destroyed… a little while, and the wicked will be no more; though you look for them, they will not be found. but the meek will inherit the land and enjoy peace and prosperity.”

it’s best for us to let god do what god does best: retribution. while we position ourselves to do what is fundamental to every human story: redemption.

now, this is not to mean that you must redeem yourself because you were once unworthy. no. this is to state that even if we have been hurt, dismissed, harmed, ridiculed, abandoned, and forgotten, that does not mean we still cannot receive what we want in this life.

on the contrary. it is the pain from these experiences, any that were strong enough to leave a mark, that we use as spiritual fuel. we give birth to ourselves and are thereby reborn within that fire, such that what remains of our flesh is a steel-like resilience to the treachery of the human world. we must allow the pain to teach us, but then cleanse it from our aura.

and that’s the central lesson i want you to take: no matter what happened, you can still succeed. in fact, you can go further than even you once thought possibly for yourself. and certainly beyond what they believed was imaginable for you.

but if we are to complete our redemption, we must see ourselves as someone who is here to shape history, not just settle scores. and in doing so, we must learn how to take our rightful place without making ourselves persona non grata.

an exile can’t rule a kingdom. but a queen can.

thus, the question is neither retribution or redemption. the real answer is transcendence. because the most powerful revenge isn’t proving people wrong, it’s making them irrelevant to our success.

and in order to do this, we have to stay in the game long enough to win. this is a 20-year play, and it requires a tactician’s finesse to execute until the every end. and as diouana women, this means we use what was weaponized against us to our advantage and wrap ourselves in a cloak of humility. especially if you are a woman with undeniable erotic capital and certainly if you are a highly ambitious woman. the trick is to ensure they never see you coming, and only the meek evade detection.

to claim dominion, we have to transcend pettiness.

there are two paths to the top: birthright or conquest.

if you were not born with it, conquer your way in. and you cannot do that if you’re mentally fighting the battles of the past. let it go. choose transcendence over vengeance.

ever since my adolescence, my mother has taken pain to remind that i must let my revenge fantasies go. that the darkness that begins to grow in one’s heart when they’re fixated on the wrongs of the past is not worth clouding the lightness of the future. of the present, even.

yet again, mother knows best.

and it reminds me of that day where the veil was the thinnest, and i went to see psycho. there are moments that happen, where i find myself caught between what is real and what is perceived. so, before i could remember how it happened, i wrote in my journal how “god sat next to me at the hitchcock screening just to say he’s proud of me.”

it sounds so silly. this maternalization of god. that god would come down to earth, in the months following some of the darkest moments in my human life, to tell me he’s proud of how willing i remained to fight. but it’s been an idiosyncrasy of mine that i refuse to give up on myself. no matter how battered i get, i will get up and continue.

i belong at the top. so no amount of jealousy-disguised-as-feedback, envy-laced-witch hunts, situational poverty, or the sheer audacity of men thinking they can decide my fate will stop the inevitable. i have mastered the alchemy of turning pain into spiritual fuel because i am committed to becoming something unprecedented. and that’s why god remains proud.

my insistence that i am deserving of everything i want in this life, and my willingness to be fluid in my methods of acquisition, is why i will end up where i belong: the top.

the inevitability of my success remains me of a woman who shared a similar essence, the eternal empress joséphine bonaparte:

“she pretended that she had no desire for power. feigning meekness, she would say she was ‘not born for such grandeur.’ but really, she wished for ascendancy over all those who once snubbed her.

joséphine’s proofs of her victories were her incredible possessions: her extravagant wardrobe, her artworks, and her jewelry box spilling more diamonds than marie antoinette’s once had. her home, malmaison, was a work of art. complete with a swiss alpine chalet and greenhouse, her gardens had hundreds of varieties of flowers never grown in france. the house was furnished with priceless paintings and statues napoleon had stolen for her from all over the world. joséphine was one of the most powerful and energetic art collectors in history. she was a second catherine the great, using art to shore up her rule and confer upon herself the trappings of power.

a mistress, a courtesan, a revolutionary heroine, a collector, a patron, and an empress…”

i won’t pretend my desires aren’t what they are. and you shouldn’t either. but what we can take away from joséphine is humility as a political strategy.

it’s a simple recalibration that requires us to let go of useless emotions like shame, to not be blinded by our pride, and to quietly, but forcefully, close the door on the past so we can stay in the game long enough to win.

did you know that you’ve already won?

the idea of winning is an interesting one. mainly because it’s so subjective. it’s on each of us to decide what it is we actually want, thus achieving it would mean we’ve won.

and there is a case, certainly a spiritual one, that argues that each of us have already won. especially if we’re conscious of it.

meaning, if you understand how lucky you are. because of what you have, or don’t have. because of who you are, or who you’re not. you’ll understand that you already have everything you’ve ever wanted, thus the game becomes about multiplying what already exists.

this shifts the starting point of your strategy to a place of abundance from a place of lack.

that 20-year play i referenced is not the amount of time it’ll take you to get what you want, but simply the amount of time it is likely to take for the pinnacle of your vision to fully materialized. because today, right now, you are existing at the very base of your vision. but you’re still in your vision. you still have what you want. the next 20 years is about using your spirituality to multiple your vision on an exponent basis such that your vision becomes the universe. a liminal space where not only you reside, but everyone else does too.

to give a concrete example, let’s talk about lauren’s fiancé. specifically when he wrote his first shareholder’s letter.

jeff bezos’ 1997 shareholder letter was more than just a business strategy, it was a manifesto of vision; a declaration of a long-term commitment to an idea. when bezos outlined the day 1 mentality, he wasn’t simply describing a business model; he was constructing a universe. one that, over time, would envelop and shape the entire online economy.

amazon, in its early years, could have been seen as a modest project: an online bookstore in a world that was just beginning to comprehend the internet’s potential. but bezos, with an almost spiritual confidence, knew that the key to success wasn’t in rushing to profits, it was in laying the groundwork for a future that would take decades to fully unfold.

at the time of amazon's early years, many stock analysts criticized the company for its lack of profits, arguing that its business model was unsustainable and that it would ultimately fail. they viewed amazon's continual reinvestment into infrastructure, customer experience, and long-term growth as a signal of financial instability, leading them to recommend selling the company’s stock. however, bezos’ commitment to a long-term strategy—focused on building a lasting customer base and expanding into new markets at the cost of profitability—was a vision that few analysts initiatively understood. in hindsight, this commitment to prioritize future growth over short-term profits turned out to be the cornerstone of amazon’s unprecedented success.

today, we see the results of that commitment. the amazon primification¹ of the online economy is undeniable. as consumers, we expect our ordered items to arrive at our doorsteps within 48 hours. whether we’ve ordered them via amazon or not. amazon set the standard, redefined logistics, and turned rapid delivery into the expectation, not the exception.

this is what happens when a vision is not just imagined, but embedded into reality with unwavering consistency.

once you fully embrace the potential of your vision, it becomes inevitable. and once you understand that you are already living in your vision, at the very base of it, and that the next 20 years is not about attaining that vision, but about multiplying it so exponentially that everyone else begins to live in it too, you underhand that you’ve already won.

what was once yours alone becomes a shared reality. just like amazon set the rules of the online shopping universe.

your strategy, then, is not to “win,” but to multiply what’s already yours and allow the universe you’ve envisioned to unfold. with patience, persistency, and a humility that is not rooted in lack but an understanding that to whom much is given, much is expected.

the game’s just getting started

i wrote a while back how power is not a young woman’s game. i meant this literally, not spiritually.

you should always feel powerful and in control of your life. especially as a woman. you should believe that you are capable, and able, to direct your life in such a way that meets your needs and fulfills your desire. you are not powerless, spiritually speaking.

institutionally speaking, we’re dealing with a different chess board.

i won’t presume to know you nor your background, but i’ll assume that you do not have an institution backing you up currently and haven’t since birth. meaning that, when you navigate this world, people do not immediately assume, suspect, or know that there’s a powerful group of people (emphasis on powerful) who would absolutely lose their heads and likely pursue action, loosely defined, should something negative happen to you. negative is also loosely defined.

thus, you’re viewed as lacking protection and depending on circumstance, experience.

however, you are an extremely hardworking person who takes herself seriously. and you tend to yourself, your life, and your future. so you find yourself situations where you naturally draw attention to yourself. either because of your beauty, your personality, or your achievements.

and if you’re tasked with navigating an environment where you are not the one in power; meaning, you are not the final decision maker for all consequential decisions that have ramifications on everyone within that environment, then you must take care to become and remain situationally aware.

that begins by understanding that power is not a young woman’s game.

but what is our game is weaponizing what has been, and is, held against us in our favor and using humility as a political strategy. especially when we’re in environments where the stakes are higher and the expectations are even higher.

remember, “to whom much is given, much is expected.”

and as we’ve discussed in my last essay, people are less likely to find an attractive women trustworthy and more likely to view her deserving of termination due to sexual insecurity. it would be lovely if the policy makers in this country took this kind of discrimination seriously and that people weren’t so blinded by their insecurities, but that’s not the world we live in.

we live in a world where we must maintain good rapport in order to advance ourselves and our agenda. a world where our financial independence is foundational to our survival. thus, keeping a job and building a career are very, very important to us as diouana women.

and if we are women who value our beauty, our erotic capital, and genuinely enjoy womanhood in all its horror, we mustn't shy away from that which brings us pleasure simply because no one takes what is deemed as “women’s work” seriously. no. instead, we must learn how to move about the board we find ourselves on and stay in the game long enough to win.

the first step must be about becoming institutionally relevant. if you attended the second edition of the diouana woman salon, you’ll remember that becoming an institutionally relevant woman is about having backers. a group behind you that is invested in your growth, your success, and your advancement. this is where your ability to establish and maintain good rapport comes in.

insofar as it relates to our desire to be hot, or not, what matters most is our ability to manage our perception. reality is perception and perception is reality. especially in social settings, which almost all professional settings are.

thus, you can be extremely attractive and still be well-liked and trusted, the femme fatale effect be damned, if you take pain to manage your perception. yes, you should be allowed to be hot in peace, but that’s unfortunately not the world we live in.

we live in a world where women who derive genuine pleasure and place a high premium on their erotic capital are only celebrated for doing so when they’re extremely competent or accomplished. dolly patron and amal clooney come to mind. in the absence of any identifiable talent, competence, or notion of “hard work,” criticisms and accusations of vanity or frivolity are likely to ensue.

it’s unfair. but we’re not here to lament the game. we’re here to figure out how we can win. even with the odds stacked against us.

i’ve playfully asserted that i’m “too beautiful to work (hard)” because my track record makes that statement oxymoronic. and i find a lot of joy in absurdity.

but what i do not find joy in is being underestimated because i’ve taken the time to learn how to use a 1.5 inch barrel wand and have an eye for a well tailored dress.

and likely, neither do you.

the sociologist who brought erotic capital to the forefront stated that the reason women do not benefit more from their erotic capital vis-à-vis men, despite being the sex that is expected, societally, to be beautiful, is that no one takes what women do seriously.

not influencing, not developing beauty as a skill, not homecraft or warcraft.

and that’s the chess board we’re on. that’s what we’re navigating. but there’s an advantage to being underestimating. remember the words of toni morrison: “if you can’t take advantage, take disadvantage.”

if they underestimate you, they’ll never see you coming. if you are left to work with no one looking, then you can labor as long as you need in the seat of self-mastery until you are ready to present yourself to the world.

neither a delay, nor a denial, and certainly not a dismal will stop you. same goes for people not taking you, your talents, nor your efforts seriously. none of this will stop you.

your board may be titled in favor of those who were born male, but your arc will bend towards transcendence. and when they ask you how you did it, you’ll say:

“to whom much is given, much is expected…and it is the meek who will inherit the land and enjoy peace and prosperity.”

sweet dreams,
a diouana woman

p.s. truth or dare

you know how in your diary, you write something down then rip it out and place it in the tiny makeup bag you keep in your purse as a manifestation method? yeah, these p.s. truth or dares are the digital versions of my little ripped off notes.

truth: standing firm in who you are. in your beauty. in your work ethic. in everything that makes you, you.

dare: failing to understand that you’re playing a game. even if you do not believe yourself to be a player on the board.

disclaimer: the views expressed in this essay are those of the author and do not reflect the views of any employer, past or current.

1. claiming ownership of this moniker.