psa to diouana women who understand power as a verb

and not just as an adverb

real talk, girl talk

can i tell you something? sometimes i feel criminally underrated. at least, as far as my writing goes.

perhaps i haven’t mastered the substack algorithm. or my essay titles aren’t as intuitive as they could, or should, be. maybe, just maybe, i’m actually a bad writer. unable to convey the nuances of life into the richness of text. but then, i receive messages of affirmations from young women just like me and my heart swells. i’m on the right path after all.

as with any craft, the more you practice, the better you become.

i’m proud that my writing practice has evolved such that i can consistently create 20-to-30 minute sprawling reads for my targeted audience of beautiful, hardworking young women.

we’ve come a long way since my 1 minute confessional.

in the 9 months and 3 weeks that we’ve spent together, i’m happy that we’ve built a community. a clandestine understanding of what life could be, should we be audacious enough to sincerely go after what it is we want, cognizant of the cards we’ve been dealt.

realism is a diouana woman’s secret trait. privacy is her most defining.

i wrote about this in my latest essay, “the fetish for discretion.”¹ the essay begins with a redefinition of success, or power, not from externally validated milestones—”breaking glass ceilings—but from the ability to navigate any circumstance, any institution, and any system with ease.

my emphasis on this definition of power comes from an anaphor that creeps up all throughout a highly provocative, if not offense, article i read moons ago:

“do you want power, or the trappings of power?”

more than just provocation, this article cuts its teeth on what is often missed in modern media: nuance. more than depth, the article asks a simple question that has haunted me since my first reading:

“so while women (appropriately) fought for, and got, equal access to college educations-- and now women even outnumber men in colleges-- today we find that college is irrelevant. huh. nb: what women did not fight for, and this is to my point, is the specific power of being taken seriously without a college education. "but how will the world know we're equal?"

the focus here, again, is why did/do women fight so much for what became irrelevant? why does this happen all the time? more specifically, did they pursue it because they thought it had power, or did they pursue it because it had the trappings of power? i'm not being a jerk, it is a deadly serious question.”

that distinction, between what actually has power versus just the appearance of power is important for us to understand as diouana women. in my “the fetish for discretion” essay i transcribed an exchange between queen cersei lannister and lord petyr baelish, better known as littlefinger, to illustrate this point in practice:

“cersei [touching littlefinger’s sigil]: a mockingbird. you created your own sigil, didn't you?

littlefinger: yes.

cersei: appropriate; for a self-made man with so many songs to sing.

littlefinger: i'm glad you like it. some people are fortunate enough to be born into the right family. others have to find their own way.

cersei: i heard a song once. about a boy of modest means; [who] found his way into the home of a very prominent family. he loved the eldest daughter. sadly, she had eyes for another.

littlefinger: when boys and girls live in the same home, awkward situations can arise. sometimes i've heard even brothers and sisters develop certain affections. and when those affections become common knowledge, well that is an awkward situation indeed. especially in a prominent family. prominent families often forget a simple truth i found.

cersei: and which truth is that?

littlefinger: knowledge is power.

cersei [to her guards]: seize him. cut his throat. stop…oh wait…i've changed my mind. let him go. step back three paces. turn around. close your eyes.

cersei [to littlefinger]: power is power. do see see if you can take some time away from your coins and your whores to locate the stark girl for me. i would very much appreciate it.

cersei: *makes her exit, with her guards in tow.*

in the world of game of thrones, merit and morals gets you nowhere. allies, armies, and audacious maneuvering does. littlefinger, master manipulator that he is, forgot himself in this conversation with cersei. he thought the mere hint that he would expose her incestous relationship to her brother, who fathered all her children and not the husband, the king, thereby making her children illegitimate heirs to the throne, would be enough to have her do what he wanted. but she quickly reminded him, through brute force, that before he even received the chance to speak, she’d simply have her guards decapitate him and end her day making love to her brother.

sick, i know. but nothing is ever pleasant in the game of thrones.

and this exchange demonstrates the different between actual power, the ability to direct resources at your command, and the trappings of power, knowing intimate things about the power above you in whatever you find yourself in.

so, when we as young women think about how we’ll achieve our dreams, whatever they may be, it’s easy to fall into mainstream or simplistic thinking.

yes, the future is female because the reproductive rate is below repopulation levels and only one sex can biologically carry children. yes, the future is female because more and more women are deciding to simply be alone than render themselves the wife of a husband who does not match them in income nor education. yes, the future is female because women are half of the population and can do whatever their heart desires.

but. this pro-female lens i choose to view the world does not negate the fact that we live in precarious times. especially if you are a woman, who, by and large, simply wants to live her life with a partner, male or female, who adores and supports her.

and my perspective here is one that assumes you have to work for a living. at some point, i’ll write essays for women who do not have to work for a living, but this psa and my last essay are directly specifically to women who have to pay their own rent.

and i take this perspective because it’s one that necessities realism when observing the unfolding of history. it’s not about what could be in a normative sense, but what can be in a positive one.

it’s about understanding that we’re all tasked with navigating systems that may truly be indifferent towards us but are led by people who are anything but. and in that context, how do you move such that you get 1) paid and 2) stay out of harm’s way?

that’s the genesis of monday’s essay and all my essays in some shape or form:

how can women get paid and stay out of harm’s way?

this can be answered through a litany of things, thus, the question really becomes:

“do you want power, or the trappings of power?”

and now, we’re back to where we started: being students of historical power plays and understanding how that can be translated, or subverted, in our own lives.

now that is a topic for women who do not have to work for a living. traditionally, speaking.

we’re always working. in some way, shape or form, we’re paying our dues. lacking a vp title or a corporate career does not invalidate that.

so, as you read, and reread, “the fetish for discretion,” read it from the perspective of how weaponized patience, strategic silence, and an emphasis on privacy can help you in your life and achieve your agenda.

i’m starting to realize that my essays, in their worldview, lean a bit conservative, but my alliance remains clear: i want women to have what they want in this life; what they deserve; and what will make them happy. how they go about that is their business. and the only advice i’ll offer is the same ending of my latest essay:

“it’s not about remaining silent out of fear. nor is it about telling the truth just to shame the devil. it’s about understanding what it is you actually want, and if opening your mouth to speak is the best way to go about getting it. it’s about understanding the hand you’ve been dealt as it relates to the board you’re actually on; not the one you wish you were on. it’s about understanding the game you’re actually playing, and staying in it long enough to win.

it is never about revenge, or simply proving a point.

it’s about understanding that power may not be a young woman’s game, but weaponized patience, strategic silence, and situational awareness is.

so, before you speak prematurely, i would ask myself, “cui bono?” and if it’s not you, then respectfully, shut the fuck up.”

structural changes

life remains as busy as ever. to adapt, i’ve shifted the cadence of my essays from weekly to once every other week.

this will ensure i’m delivering an essay to you when i say i will (we love building trust) and allows for intellectual space for me to stumble upon a rabbit hole that will inform said essay.

our weekly livestreams remain the same as ever: in the evening hours on tuesdays and thursdays.

lastly, we have an upcoming diouana woman salon. i love these salons because i love engaging with you in real time and hearing your discourse and perspective.

the fourth edition of the diouana woman salon will take place on saturday, april 12th at 12p eastern.

as always, the logistics remain the same; so mark the following in your calendars:

dial-in number (US): (605) 313-5820

access code: 8127990#

international dial-in numbers: https://fccdl.in/i/diouanawoman

online meeting id: diouanawoman

join the online meeting: https://join.freeconferencecall.com/diouanawoman

for additional assistance connecting to the meeting text "Call Me" to the dial-in number above and you will be called into the conference. message and data rates may apply.

an expanding universe

you may not know, but diouana woman has an official podcast. it’s called the ledger, and it’s hosted right here on substack.

“the ledger” comes from an accountant’s book. unsexy, i know. but the idea is that the book should always balance. meaning, what flows out must flow back in. in this way, the ledger is not about finding balance in life as beautiful, hardworking young women; no, it’s about ensuring our debts our paid, we stay paid, and always have more than enough to do what we want in this life. or, as i wrote:

“sifting through the delicate threads of ambition, beauty, and power to uncover the hidden forces that shape women’s lives. inspired by diouana gomis, the young woman at the heart of la noire de…, these conversations honor the freedom, complexity, and sensuality in every woman’s journey. with a west african sensibility, we dive into the socioeconomic, the interpersonal, and the quiet interiority that move us to build lives of meaning and agency.”

listen to the first episode, an interview with dr. catherine hakim. dr. hakim’s breathtaking book, erotic capital: the power attraction in the boardroom to the bedroom, was the focus of our most recent diouana woman salon.

in fact, she was to be a featured guest but technological issues, and spiritual warfare but more on that another time, got in the way.

however, i did promise to make her a resource for anyone who submitted questions for her ahead of the salon and i love delivering on promises:

question: do you think straight men would ever try to increase their erotic capital?

catherine’s response:

all men try to do this. some men do it effectively, and get results.

george clooney made himself attractive. he works out daily to keep a good body, despite permanent pain from an injury during filming. he has chosen his hairstyle very carefully, and chooses his clothes with extreme care. he never looks a mess. and he has developed excellent social skills, good manners, so he never offends anyone, anywhere.

i saw photos of him when he was a young man. you would not give him a second glance. he was very ordinary, not special. his good looks now are the result of years of investment of time and effort.

men do not talk about what they do to look good, they just do it. they go to the gym every week (daily for george clooney), they work out, do sports, get regular haircuts, use products to prevent male pattern baldness, or graft in new hair (as silvio berlusconi, the italian premier did), tattoos (eg david beckham) etc. women think men do nothing because they assume that men must do the same as women. men do different things, and sometimes the same things as women. every time there is an economic downturn, or when there are mass layoffs in the city of london financial markets, cosmetic surgeons and clinics report a sudden influx of male clients who need to ‘look fresh’ to compete in the jobs market.

women’s magazines talk a lot about make-up and clothes. women make a hobby of it. yes, women invest more time and money to produce good looks, but men also do this – more than is visible. men also pay fees to online mentors such as louis farfields to learn how to be charming and attractive in online dating websites/apps.

question: how can women exploit their erotic capital?

catherine’s response:

by asking for more! always ask for more, as men do. my book refers to another book, women don’t ask, by babcock and laschever, both american. they say this fact alone can explain the pay gap between men and women, which is much larger in the usa than in britain, where it has effectively disappeared (as i explain in my other book key issues in women’s work).

women’s failure to ask for promotion and salary increases is visible, due to research on the labour market. women’s failure to ask for more is invisible in private life and personal relationships. the same rules apply: always ask for more. you cannot insist on getting everything you want, but if you do not ask, you get nothing at all.

young people are most likely to lose out from not understanding that erotic capital has value because older people tell them beauty is shallow, vain, worthless, because older people cannot compete! obviously older people will emphasise money, education and work experience, and social contacts, because they have accumulated these assets (economic, social and human capitals). young people excel at good looks, youthful vitality and, hopefully, they are developing charm as well. young people need to know that what they have has real social and economic value, so they should capitalise on it, instead of giving it away for free.

question: are there skills or mindsets that can be coupled with erotic capital for it to be used more efficiently?

catherine’s response:

young people are encouraged to spend 15-30 years of their life in education and training so they can earn more and have successful lives. however, young people are often derided for spending a few hours a week investing in activities that will enhance their attractiveness: regular exercise, regular haircuts and styling, understanding the language of clothes and learning to speak that language well, etc etc. the essential mindset is to understand that good looks are a huge benefit throughout life and that even ugly people can learn how to be attractive, through wearing flattering colours, flattering hairstyles, developing charming social skills, etc etc.

the most recent survey, in the czech republic, found that intelligent (high iq) people invest in educational qualifications as well as attractiveness. it is not a zero-sum game.

question: on average, at what age do we become aware of erotic capital?

catherine’s response:

in my case, i realised at age 10 that men of all ages found me very attractive, wanted to get close to me. obviously, it depends on whether you are attractive or ugly, and whether you are intelligent or stupid. there is no average age.

question: what is erotic capital?

catherine’s response:

it is a combination of physical and social attractiveness to all members of your society, especially to people of the opposite gender. it includes facial beauty, a good body, physical liveliness and fitness, good social skills, the ability to charm, the knowledge of how to dress well, and the ability to flirt. in my book published in 2010, i included sexual competence, but that was a mistake, as it cannot be measured, is only known to a tiny number of people, and anyway tastes differ a lot in this area.

erotic capital can be measured in two ways – in absolute terms, or in comparison with others of the same age. catherine deneuve, the french actress, is still regarded as a great beauty at age 60 (i think?) but she was extraordinary at ages 20-30.

research shows an average 15% mark-up in earnings due to good looks, and the same applies to the social benefits. as the model gerry hall said, “life is easier if you are beautiful because everyone wants to help you.”

question: how does one use erotic capital without being accused of being fresh?

catherine’s response:

i am not sure what ‘being fresh’ means in relation to social interaction in america, rather than fruit and salad. however, women as well as men (and women even more than men) may criticise young women who are visibly attractive, with a positive personality, when they attract male attention. when i was in my 20s, this happened a lot to me, in work contexts or in conferences, when i was just behaving normally. in my experience, men are prone to assume a sexual interest when a woman is being normally friendly. women are prone to assume a man is ‘just being friendly’ when his interest is in reality sexual. intelligence is very important in dealing with this problem of communication. accusing men of sexual harassment is not an intelligent response. women must learn to make good use of men’s special interest in them (including the boss’s interest as well as colleagues of all ages) instead of rejecting it as wrong. it is normal, human, inevitable. so use it to your advantage!

there we are. if you haven’t listened to the podcast episode with catherine, i highly recommend it. she has unbelievable candor. if you haven’t read her book, i recommend that as well.

i’m working on confirming the next podcast guest, and will provide an update once they’ve been secured.

from the east village, with love…

i’m moving out of the home that has seen my early twenties, post-graduate life and it’s fitting. not only with the changes that have unfolded in my life, but with where diary of a diouana woman has taken me.

by that, i mean that even as i leave behind remnants of my former self—the girl who refused to go above 14 street—i’m taking you with me.

you, who has weathered the storm with me as i’ve expanded, and deepens, my writing practice. you, who has consistently shown up on my livestreams where i share my latest deep dive. and you, who continues to inspire my diouana woman universe.

it’s a new season, and i’m so glad you’re here.

sweet dreams,
a diouana woman

1. this title came from a passage in an article about larry gagosian. the article name and publication escape. i believe it could have been vanity fair?