young women, please be ruthless

for nothing is fair in the case of career v. children

disclaimer: the views expressed in this essay are those of the author and do not reflect the views of any employer, past or current.

children, or career?

this substack has been consistent in its warning to never meet your heros. it’s time we talk about becoming our own.

one of the great tragedies of being born a woman is that you’ll grow up in a society that insists on reminding you that you will never escape your biology. and although this is true, we do not have to let this fact dominate every facet of our reality.

as we know, there is a difference between truth and reality. the truth is true no matter what. reality is a question of perspective. perspective boils down to the way you choose to engage with the facts of your life.

fact: my one desire is to be a glamorous, independent, financially abundant woman. success to me is a woman with the closet of her dreams, a career she forged herself, and the renown that comes after years of being the best at what you do. now, what you do is up to you. do not take this for granted. for women, choice remains a luxury.

now, eldest daughters worldwide will understand that ambition, as beautiful as it is, has its pitfalls. firstly, is anything ever enough? after which accomplishment does one become satisfied? should one even aim to be satisfied? after all, it’s our hunger that fuels our work ethic. and anyone who has won anything in life, especially against true odds, understands that hunger is not a birthright.

biology comes into play because what does a young woman do when she wants the world, and darling kids to share it with? when she wants a husband who understands she’s too beautiful to work (hard) but still insists on having her own career? for such a young woman, work is about the game. in the eternal words of omar little, “it’s all in the game.”

we live in times where definitions change. as they should. it’s simply a sign of the times. but biology for young women never changes. to be with child at 35 years old is still considered a geriatric pregnancy (the term is now “advanced maternal age” because changing the name changes the fact of it!). if you are a corporate professional, the time in your career where you’ll see the most progression is still in the same time frame when women are most fertile. what this means is that for the vast majority of young women, the central question in our twenties becomes, “career or children?”

something’s got to give

remember what i said about choice earlier? despite this ghoulish game, we, few but proud, diouana woman still have choice. in honor of our foremothers, it is our duty to exercise it.

firstly, young women must play the game of life. meaning, we must be intentional, to the point of being ruthless, about how we create our life. for example, i’ve written before about how in choosing a husband you’re choosing a life. this is true because who you decide to spiritually, emotionally, physically, socially, and financially tie yourself forever is, by far, the most important decision you’ll ever make in your life. second only to deciding whether or not to have children. again, the choice is yours!

but let’s say you’re just like me. you’re young, beautiful, and ambitious with a deep knowing in your heart that motherhood is indeed your desire. here’s my thinking in this ghoulish game of career or children.

motherhood adds layers to your work because you are fundamentally changed by this new era. the same way people discover a new tone of blue when they look up at the sky during the beginnings of a romance or understand that there’s always another level to hell in the pits of despair is the same way motherhood offers you a lens you never previously had access to before. at least, that’s what toni morrison said:

“there was something so valuable about what happened when one became a mother. for me it was the most liberating thing that ever happened to me. . . liberating because the demands that children make are not the demands of a normal ‘other.’ the children’s demands on me were things that nobody ever asked me to do. to be a good manager. to have a sense of humor. to deliver something that somebody could use. and they were not interested in all the things that other people were interested in, like what i was wearing or if i were sensual. . . somehow all of the baggage that i had accumulated as a person about what was valuable just fell away. i could not only be me — whatever that was — but somebody actually needed me to be that. . . if you listen to [your children], somehow you are able to free yourself from baggage and vanity and all sorts of things, and deliver a better self, one that you like. the person that was in me that i liked best was the one my children seemed to want.”¹

there’s a world that exists where you are just like toni morrison: you have children first and continue to work your career the best you can. and then you do your best work in your forties, informed by the multiple lives you’ve lived since you first entered your womanhood. i’d like to remind the reader here that toni morrison’s first published book, the bluest eye, came out in 1970 when she was 39 years old. if one is curious about my veneration of the bluest eye, it comes down to the fact that i believe it to be the great american novel. and it taught me a fundamental lesson as a young women: as long as i am in charge of my beauty standard, i will never feel ugly.

there’s another world that exists where you’re just like serena williams: you absolutely crush it in your career as much, and as early, as you can. as recommended by this study. and after the birth of your first child, while you are beloved as the greatest of all time, you retire to focus on motherhood and plan for the arrival of your second and maybe even third child.

the curious thing about serena, at least from the perspective of an ambitious young woman, is the fact that as incredible, brilliant, and absolutely dominating as she was as a professional tennis player, serena walked away from that for olympia. the call of motherhood was louder than the siren song of continuing to break world records as a champion athlete. was this decision a question of biology? or sociology? the answer is both. in serena’s own words, she equipped:

“believe me, i never wanted to have to choose between tennis and a family. i don’t think it’s fair. if i were a guy, i wouldn’t be writing this because i’d be out there playing and winning while my wife was doing the physical labor of expanding our family. maybe i’d be more of a tom brady if i had that opportunity. don’t get me wrong: i love being a woman, and i loved every second of being pregnant with olympia. i was one of those annoying women who adored being pregnant and was working until the day i had to report to the hospital—although things got super complicated on the other side. and i almost did do the impossible: a lot of people don’t realize that i was two months pregnant when i won the australian open in 2017. but i’m turning 41 this month, and something’s got to give.”²

here’s the (only) answer

something’s got to give. but lucky for you, you decide what that something is.

if you believe a career will emotionally fulfill you more than having children ever will, then choose your career and circle back to the idea of having children when that call comes. if it ever comes. if motherhood is your dream, then prioritize having children within your most fertile years with a man who understands that your life should be built on rest, beauty, love, and luxury and figure out your career as you go.

my sole, and only, advice is to be ruthless.

choose, carefully, who will be your husband and father of your children. by carefully, i mean should he sneeze in a way that annoys you, you move on. i am joking. but not really.

it cannot be emphasized enough the impact a man has on a woman’s life. both in marriage and divorce. there is some wiggle room here. you can meet a man on a monday, marry him on a sunday and then divorce three months later and pretend it never happened. should the two of you have children, you cannot divorce your children from their father. unless they grow up and disavow him themselves (ideally, without you poisoning the well), you will never be rid of this man.

the impact of having chosen wrong, for whatever reason, will forever be felt should children be involved. so please choose, and move, wisely.

as a sidebar to man being liabilities to women, there are countless women whose dreams were never realized because a man came into their lives and distracted them. yes, we are now entering the territory of fearmongering, but i am not wrong. so, please be wise when it comes to the men you allow into your life.

more than anything, be kind to yourself. more than everything, do not reject your desires. they exist for a reason. it is a cosmic law, as stated by a woman i greatly admire, that if you do not honor your truest desires, you will be punished for it. just watch any episode of rubí or teresa to see this law in action.

honor thyself, enjoy the pleasure-pain of becoming, and remain ruthless.

sweet dreams,

a diouana woman

p.s. truth or dare

you know how in your diary, you write something down then rip it out and place it in the tiny makeup bag you keep in your purse as a manifestation method? yeah, these p.s. truth or dares are the digital versions of my little ripped off notes.

truth: picking the men we allow into our lives with tact and thought.

truth: following our dreams to their zenith.

dare: not taking the time to discover who we are as woman. how can we choose what suits us most if we do not even understand ourselves?

1. toni morrison. march 1990. “a world of ideas; 207; toni morrison part 1 of 2.” a world of ideas.

2. serena williams. august 2022. “serena williams says farewell to tennis on her own terms—and in her own words.” vogue.