you lack confidence because you don't do anything

self-confidence is all about self-competence

disclaimer: the views expressed in this essay are those of the author and do not reflect the views of any employer, past or current.

this post is extra special because it was requested by my lovely subscriber, laila. i write for her, and all women who inspire me.

confidence, what it is and what it isn’t

what do you believe you deserve in this life? if someone with the authority to give you exactly what you want asked you to tell them what exactly it is that you want, what would be your answer?

this might seem like a runaround question, but its answer reveals who you truly are. or, at the very least, what you’ve staked your confidence in.

the way life has unfolded for me, confidence has always been a game of faith. by this, i mean that the greater my faith that i would be able to handle a situation; that i would be able to get through rocky waters; that i would indeed slay the beast; only served to increase the chances that i would actually succeed in my endeavors. it also helps that i aggressively hate losing.

you know what they say, losing is for suckers.

if life is set on punching you time after time after time, do not take it laying down. you have to get up and punch back. sucker punch if you can. and you do this only when you are confident that your punches will land. this is a result of trusting your instincts and being patient in any given situation.

confidence is faith in good, not evil. fear is merely faith inverted. therefore doubt is the result of confusing reason with fear and fear with reason. the remedy to doubt is almost always action, and journaling. a clear mind sees all solutions.

the more you are able to do; the more you are able to prove to yourself that you can actually do it; the more confident you will feel in any particular endeavor.

let’s say you want to create content. you’re not particularly confident about your ability to film nor your ability to captive an audience or even if they’ll like you. the remedy to all this doubt is to simply begin. have faith that, through trial and error, you’ll become a better content creator. eventually, your track record of creation will be the foundation upon which you place your confidence in as a capable content creator.

let’s talk about something a bit more nuanced, like love. love is tricky because it very rarely has it anything to do with us. whether someone loves us or not is a result of how they feel about themselves in relations to us, never about us. likewise, there have been situations where someone fancied you but you weren’t really feeling it. did your apathy mean this person was unlovable? not worthy of love? no, it simply meant you weren't interested. the same can be said about someone else in your past in relation their feelings for you. at least one story of unrequited love might be the thing that bonds all humans, among other things.

confidence, how to actually have it in all scenarios

i’m sure you’ve noticed that life can be difficult at times. that there are moments where you’ll just get slapped in the face for no reason. well, there’s always some reason but sometimes that reason is arbitrary. but randomness doesn’t make the sting burn any less.

the thing you should know is that confidence is almost always the result of action. this means that whatever your self doubt is rooted in, you must intentionally engage in activities that make your self doubt irrelevant to the point of eradication.

let’s say you lack confidence in your beauty. this self doubt has manifested itself in countless ways: you do not take space in social settings, so people easily forget you’re there; you do not speak up or ask for what you want, so people speak over you and never bother to ask you want you want; you consistently defer to others because you believe this will get them to like you despite your “ugliness”, so they walk all over you. the remedy to all of this is faith. faith in your deservingness as a human being. not faith in your self doubt, but faith in you, as you naturally are. with this faith you are then able to find the strength to do the things you need to do to get the things you want. beauty, or ugliness, becoming irrelevant to the equation. a beginning action to do is to write down “i am worth my best efforts” in your journal every night and every day. this is your new ritual.

you might ask what these efforts are. they’re anything that makes you feel better about yourself. maybe it’s watching makeup tutorial after makeup tutorial to learn how to perfect that flirty cat eye look you see on everyone else but are too scared to try. maybe it’s signing up for a new workout / physical hobby class (i like ariel yoga) that forces you to allow yourself to be seen trying something new. maybe it’s simply committing to the ritual of making yourself a magnesium-laced bedtime tea with two sliced lemons and reading your new book (i’m currently reading this one) because you deserve to fall asleep cozy instead of caught up in the chaos that is doomscrolling.

to master your confidence you need to master your actions. mastery is about the repetition. you have to ritualize the actions you do every day that make you feel better about who you are, how you are, what you are, and why you are because you deserve to be at ease. we all do.

so, have faith in good, not evil. faith in your best efforts, not your worse moment. if you need an inspirational word as you strengthen your confidence, i leave you with one of my favorites, 2 corinthians 5:7:

“for we live by faith, not by sight.”

2 corinthians 5:7

sweet dreams,

a diouana woman

p.s. truth or dare

you know how in your diary, you write something down then rip it out and place it in the tiny makeup bag you keep in your purse as a manifestation method? yeah, these p.s. truth or dares are the digital versions of my little ripped off notes.

truth: discovering a woman-owned, indie garment production factory based in nyc that manufactures for all your favorite brands. i’m thinking about developing a line of silk dresses, robes, and bikinis because that’s just so much fun. the vibe will be sexy, cool, fun. the aim is to fill that sweet spot of a white space that VS left. after all, victoria no longer has a secret.

truth: creating a youtube channel just to dive deeper into your writing (only the popular posts). the aim is to be your comfort creator. also, it’s giving cam girl of your dreams vibes, and that’s so much fun.

dare: lack of follow through and lack of action. we may not shame in this house, but i will remember that you told yourself you were going to do something and then didn’t. get up, babe. but seriously, you’ve got this <3