before the year is over, advocate for yourself

we should all be concerned about the price of tea in china

disclaimer: the views expressed in this essay are those of the author and do not reflect the views of any employer, past or current.

introduction: fuck you, pay me

i’m writing to you as a woman that’s currently being taken to task by the circumstances of life. despite all that, i remain confident of one thing and one thing only: this season of my life will be my testimony. it will be a testament to the power of patience, perseverance, and how quickly things move once the gods on your side.

i’ve been reflecting on this idea of being a strong woman. a woman who can stand on her own.

it’s actually incredibly unsexy because it necessitates a complete lack of faith in fantasy or illusion. to be a woman that stands on her own, you must be a woman that is about your business first and foremost. your bottom line is the only thing that matters. do not take people at their word. this means that you have hard, and at times uncomfortable, conversations with people at the very beginning of a deal. not the back-end when there’s spoils to disrupt over.

and when you discover that people have omitted valuable, deal-defining, information from you. you put that in writing and send it to them for their comment.

if you’re unclear why one would do that, just know this: if it’s not in writing, it never happened. hence the email, explaining what happened.

anyone who plays me, plays themselves

i consider myself a woman of faith. at this point, i should get 2 corinthians 5:7 tattooed on my lower back: “we walk by faith, not by sight.”

if you ask my mother, there are more bad moments in life than good ones. but, she’ll tell you, you have to smile through it and remain positive regardless. otherwise you are casting spells on yourself with your debby-downer worldview.

if you ask me, it doesn’t matter how tough the going gets, you have to push through. it does not matter what the situation asks of you, you must to find a solution. and remember this above all: you always have a choice.

in salon i of the diouana woman salon that was held this past weekend, i talked about this television series i recently watched, penny dreadful. i’m a big fan of the victorian age, gothic motifs, and dorian gray. so, i was absolutely hooked on this show. plus eva green is a french woman after my own heart. during the series, green’s character was given this mission to defeat this evil coven of witches. even american horror story. the piece of dialogue that struck me most in this series, was when the head evil witch was speaking to this funny little man and said something along the lines of:

“you may judge me and think me evil. that i have turned my back on god. but really, it was god who turned his back on me.”

now, the avid readers of this substack will know that my belief in god follows this through-line: it was not the gods who created the humans, but the humans who created the gods who then created the humans.

it is our belief, our faith, in the gods that sustain their existence. this is why the old gods continue to diminish as the new gods rise. these new gods are that of technology and celebrity. the old gods are that of nature and the cosmos. animism in any other name. and it’s deserving of it’s own essay once i find something interesting to say about it.

now, how this all relates to what that evil witch said about god is this: there is no possible way that god can his back on us if we are the ones that created god. therefore, when we choose to give into our base instincts, the sinner, call it, that lurks in us all, we are allowing god, as it were, to turn their back on us. to put it plainly, the gods are watching us from a distance. and i believe they’re indifferent, until they’re not. they have their favorites. we all do. and due to this universal indifference, it is up to us to bring meaning, honor, hope, and order to our lives as they unfold.

so when someone, even a fictional character written by a human author, tells you that it was god who made them do the evil things they did because it was god who turned they back on them and therein gave them the right to terrorize the rest of us, tell them, “no.”

tell them no.

we all have choices in life. we can decide to be as good, or as evil, as we want. we can decide what weight we give towards the actions of others. we can decide to root ourselves in a faith that necessitates the existence of a higher, more powerful, all omnipresent being because this faith is what allows us to get through our days and remain positive players within the game of life.

the game is the game. the game is the game. the game will forever be the game.

and i said this when i wrote of the conversation we had in the first diouana woman salon: not engaging in the game is not a tactic. it’s not even a strategy. you have to choose how you’re going to play: offense or defense.

and you always have a choice in what to do. and the decision you make should always be informed by what you want. where you want to be. who you want to become.

these grand questions of vision, and your idea of a dream life, are the beginning of a viable, feasible, plausible strategy for yourself. but first, you have to decide to play the game.

the game of life, in its infinite cycles, necessitates active players. there will be no passivity to your dreams. there will be no passivity to your goals. there’s certainly isn’t going to be any passivity to avoiding your nightmares.

either you’re moving towards something. or running away from something else. and i recommend that you move towards something. not only because it’s much more high vibrational. but also because it gives you a sense of purpose. a feeling of direction. and this forward movement allows you to endure the punches that may come along the way. and they will because that’s how it goes. how else are the gods suppose to have a laugh?

this question of being a woman who can stand on her own. a woman of stature. not that you’re the wealthiest woman in all the lands. or the prettiest. besides, you know that i believe beauty is low hanging fruit in that grand scheme of things. a woman of stature, to me, is a woman who can direct her own life.

now, you may not be in a position of power at work. and i’m with you there. there’s a real indignity to corporate life. but that’s an essay for another time. despite your lack of power, you can still achieve your aims through strategies that work for your position and positioning. i’ve spoken about how power is not a young woman’s game. at least, not externally identifiable power. but power of spirit? power of faith? the eternal power that comes with knowing that you’ll never allow anything to stand in your way?

no one can see that. but they can feel it. especially if they’re the ones standing in your way. especially if they’re the ones going out of their way to be in yours.

when we understand that everyone is just trying to get what they want. we can redirect the conversation to not be about what we want. which is naive in its thinking that people will give us what we want simply because we asked for it. but instead position ourselves as someone who can help that person get what they want, just in a way that ensures we also get what we want.

like i said: there are no losers in a diouana woman’s game. i only think of win-win solutions. and so should you.

you must believe you can turn any, and every, situation in your favor. even if you find yourself in a situation where people have made choices that could negatively impact you. how can you flip it and make it work for you? if you’re going through what feels like absolute hell, and i’m with you, how can you flip it into a source of energetic fuel for you? a source that keeps you pushing. because you understand that this season you’re in, this instability you’re experiencing, is actual the set up for the greatest testimony of your life.

so when i say you always have a choice, i mean that you mustn’t allow circumstances to drag you into places or with people you would never be in or with if you had better. or known better. or were better. in fact, you already are better. you already know better. therefore you can do better.

and if you’re confused what i mean by that, I mean that people focus so much on healing themselves. they don’t focus on continuing. onward. forward. with absolutely no regard of what happened in the past.

now, it’s important to acknowledge our journeys and what has happened to us. but we must do so from places of strength. not from a positioning of self-flagellation. a diouana woman never attends a pity party. she disrespectfully declines.

so, this mindset of understanding that you’re tough. that you’re capable of standing on your own. of ensuring your bottom line is met. of holding people to task when they attempt to pull one over you. this mindset is important.

if you ask me about the game of life, i’ll admit that i’ll always advocate for you to pick the offensive strategy. but even if that’s not to your taste or temperament, i’ll always tell you that this diouana woman mindset, this mindset of “fuck you, pay me,” is critical. if not a prerequisite to actually playing the game of life.

never let people play you. never allow circumstances to take your spiritual fire away. keep fueling yourself with images and visions of you achieving your goal. no matter how hard is it now. now matter how bad things may be now. you’re so much stronger than all of that. the going may get tough, but a diouana woman never folds. it’s just not in us.

now, go and play the game of life.

globe warming: the rise and fall of igloo australia

please forgive the subtitle. one of my personality defeats is that i remain an azealia banks fan to this day, despite everything. and azealia once termed the “rapper” iggy azalea as igloo australia.

if you’ve ever needed a case study on why it’s essential to advocate for yourself, especially as a woman, look no further than the meteoric rise and catastrophic fall of one iggy azalea.¹

here was a woman who, despite undeniable talent and drive, leaned too heavily on others, mainly men, to navigate the treacherous waters of the hip-hop industry. she relied on men to strategize, advocate, and protect her, only to find herself abandoned when she needed them most. her story is a tale as old as time: if you place your fate in the hands of others, they can do it with it what they want. your interests may be damned.

let’s start at the beginning. with maurice williams, aka wno. iggy met him at 18, and their relationship quickly morphed from professional to romantic. on paper, wno played the role of mentor and manager, someone who could help mold her raw talent into a viable career. but actually, this was a set up. burgeoning exploitation dressed up as opportunity.

wno convinced iggy to sign a management contract, giving him financial control over her fledgling career. this was the first red flag she overlooked. he wasn’t just managing her career; he was managing her life. then she moved in with him, allowed him to dictate her creative direction, and most damningly, trusted him with decisions she should have been making herself.

remember, it’s in the process of taking the steps, and learning from your mistakes, that you become the person you want to become. you cannot outsource growth. spiritual or otherwise.

now, the true extent of wno’s exploitation only became clear after iggy’s breakthrough to the mainstream. as her star rose, so did his greed. not only did he shop around an alleged sexually explicit tape of her, but he also claimed a common-law marriage in an attempt to freeze her bank accounts and secure a share of her earnings for himself.

here was a man who, from the start, saw her less as a partner and more as a vehicle for his gain. and yet, iggy trusted him enough to let him steer her ship.

this lack of self advocacy extended beyond her personal relationships. in the male-dominated world of hip-hop, to be a woman is rather difficult. black or otherwise.

and iggy never truly commanded the space she occupied. more than that, she never found a lane that was truly hers. in addition, she didn’t approach the industry with the business acumen or self-discipline necessary to sustain long-term success. there’s a reason why nicki minaj grossed over $108 million with the pink print 2 world tour. nicki’s about her business. iggy never was.

iggy was also never for the culture. she had an awareness for it. but never a reverence. her peers saw hip-hop as a culture, as shared history, as a craft that demanded practice to perfect. or at the very least, strategy to garner profit.

iggy saw it as a stage, a backdrop for her personal ambitions and fulfillment of her childhood dreams when she was listening to tupac’s baby don’t cry. this distance from the culture was evident in how she handled criticism. when q-tip offered her a public history lesson on the origins of hip-hop, on twitter (sorry, x) of all places, her response was dismissive. she found it patronizing. and maybe it was. it’s also true that hip hop is q-tip’s culture, not iggy’s. so patronizing he gets to be.

and this was a consistent theme with iggy. constructive feedback was met with deflection and denial. so much so that her career became more about her controversies than her talent, which she does have.

iggy has the good fortune of being both talented and beautiful. she just lacks the understanding of humility as a strategy and the determination to advocate for herself in a site-specific way. by this i mean that she could never read the room. so she was kicked out of it.

further, there was also the question of cultural appropriation. which deserves it’s own essay. and honestly, my personal feelings towards that is that if you have beef with iggy, or eminem as the harbinger of iggy (mac miller, macklemore, and jack harlow), you really should have beef with dr. dre. iggy and eminem are absolutely irrelevant. it’s dr. dre, and ti if we’re being astute, that should be held to task.

but besides, if someone has talent, they should be able to demonstrate it. showcase it. and make a name for themselves, if not a profit. just not at the expense of “the culture.” whatever that may mean today.

it wasn’t so much that she was a white woman in a black space that took her down. but her over reliance on men. for example, she declared her retirement from music. but then when she became friendly with tory lanez, she decided to come back because he was going to produce her next album. but then tory lands himself in legal trouble for shooting meghan thee stallion. and iggy decides she can’t continue with this album because the man that was suppose to produce it is now going to prison for 10 years. but the thing is, there are many more men on this earth then tory lanez. surely, there is some other man, or woman, who could produce an album with iggy. whether or not she decides to find this person, the world may never know. but the fact that one man’s bad decision was enough to ripple into her life and affect her decision making on her career that’s telling.

don’t be iggy. no man’s one decision that leads to consequences in his life should stop you from following and finishing your path. don’t be iggy.

and the sad part about iggy’s story, is that when people, mainly men, realized that she had allowed her ship to sail, they simply abandoned her. where’s ti now? not defending iggy.

so the lesson here is simple: self-discipline and advocacy are non-negotiable. had iggy approached her career with a clearer understanding of the industry she was entering, had she respected the culture and learned its nuances, had she believed in her own ability to strategize and navigate whatever may come her way, her story might be different.

what’s interesting to me, is that iggy is an incredibly beautiful woman facially. she’s had a deep passion for music since her childhood days in mullumbimby. there’s something to be said that her position and positioning would haver been stronger, and much more advantageous to her, had she been a model who occasionally creates music, sometimes rap, then a rapper who’s beautiful but lacks an understanding of the culture in an industry built off the culture.

but that’s just me. thinking out loud.

the price of tea in china

i’m a woman that will always find a way to get to where i want to be. it doesn’t matter who i need to call. the hurdles i need to jump through. i will find a way.

in fact, i was telling someone that if they needed me to learn mandarin chinese and pass an oral exam and then have a conversation with them in mandarian chinese in order for them to do what i needed them to do for me to get what i want, i would. literally, ni hao.

and this is the same force of will you must have in your own life.

there’s an idiom about when you’re speaking with someone and they bring up an irrelevant point, likely to deter the conversation, you’re suppose to ask them, “what does that have to do with the price of tea in china?”

it’s a playful way to get them back on track.

but i honestly believe that we should all be concerned about the price of tea in china. meaning, we should all be aware of the biases that people hold, the narrative threads they’re concerned with, and the tangents they’re prone to go on because this means that we’re paying attention to them. and that level of fact gathering will only help us in dealing with them.

so, what iggy’s career has to do with the price of tea in china is that iggy should be a lot more successful, if not financially, than certainly, institutionally, than she has been and currently is. and it was her lack of self-awareness, strategic thinking, and failure to take the reins of her career and her life into her own hands at the very beginning of her professional journey that led to her position and positioning now. she should have never over-relied on the men around her.

say what you want about nicki minaj, and there’s a lot that can be said, but she worked, hustled, and strategized for her career and life. she did the work of building a base of people who will forever root for her. i was happy to see jt follow the same playbook earlier this summer because it’s important to cultivate support, especially at the ground level. and support is not something that is given just because you’re talented. azealia banks is an incredible example of this. i happen to believe that azealia makes better rap-house music than the entirety of beyoncé’s renaissance era. and i believe more people would agree with me if the first thing they thought about when they think about azealia, if they think about her at all, was her music and not her behavior.

so, in your own life. as you navigate your circumstances, think about the price of tea in china: be continuously attuned to those around you, their biases, their desires, and their goals. then figure out how you can align with that so you can get what you want. and sometimes, there is no alignment. and when that happens, you make an action plan and execute it strategically. and most importantly, quietly.

we’ll talk about that at the next diouana woman salon on the 14th of december at 12p est.

sweet dreams,
a diouana woman

p.s. truth or dare

you know how in your diary, you write something down then rip it out and place it in the tiny makeup bag you keep in your purse as a manifestation method? yeah, these p.s. truth or dares are the digital versions of my little ripped off notes.

truth: this morning i wrote my prayer in the form of a letter to god. then i folded it up in three sections, all facing towards me, and i placed it in my hand and i praaaaaaaaayed. the type of prayer that’s really a distress call. but regardless of need, the importance is on faith. even if you do not see it in your current reality, maintain your knowing that it will work out in the end. and if it doesn’t, then it’s not the end. then write another letter. and another. and another. until the thing you desire has materialized, both from the will of god and though your own alignment with your actions.

dare: blind faith in men. need i say more?

1. if you’re interested in the source material for this case study, here it is.